grumble grumble.

Nov 19, 2008

sorry for the lack of posting. it’s been a rough last week for me and to top it all off my diaper bag was stolen out of the car parked in our garage in the span of a minute. bye bye to my blackberry, digital camera, designer wallet and misc. items. boo! i have never before actually wanted to commit an act of violence against someone but if i ever meet the rascal who did this, i would be very tempted to pull out their hair! at least our homeowner’s insurance is cutting us a check for the stolen goods (after the deductible is taken out of course.) so for now i am camera-less and phone-less. it feels soooo weird.

today marks the end of our stint trying the enfamil gentle-ease formula. we find it to be neither gentle or easy. instead it has created crying fits that last for hours and the smelliest farts ever to be emitted from a 12 pound body. we’re going to give this organic brand a try since it is corn-free and you would be surprised that most formulas have corn syrup solids as their number one ingedient. doesn’t sound yummy to me. crossing my fingers that this one agrees with miss claire’s bowels! feeding therapy is still trucking along. not much progress since claire’s acid reflux is still in full force so we are taking things slow. and still no smiley baby yet either which is breaking my heart but i am trying to remember that claire is setting the pace here and i cannot force her to do what she is not ready to do. she reacts to people with a bunch of little facial expressions anyway and is more alert than ever. i just wish we could calm her upset tummy and make her feel more comfortable! then maybe we could get her smiley.

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little ladybug.

Nov 1, 2008

claire was a cute tiny ladybug all for about 10 minutes on halloween before she started screaming from the uncomfortable costume! well it was adorable while it lasted! ladybug and of course miss lily had to match her! my parent’s doggie, gracie, didn’t want to feel left out so we slapped some angel wings and a halo on her. she is after all, very angelic compared to rambunctious silly lily.doggies

it was a great night of homemade chili, time with family and of course halloween candy! hope you all had a great night too!

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i captured claire’s adorable sleep smile on film last night and wanted to share it with you all. come on baby, smile at mommy when you’re awake! p.s. – she weighed in at 10 lbs. 13 oz. at the pediatrician today, yay claire!

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girly girl.

Oct 23, 2008

pretty bowstoday a package arrived for claire, darling little flower bows and headbands to show off her long brown locks. i ordered them from an etsy shop, prettybabybowtique. trust me, don’t drop $25+ at an overpriced specialty baby store for these when you can easily order from etsy at less than half the cost. i adore them!
as for updates, we spent a good 4 hours at the dreaded hospital today for claire’s kidney ultrasound and urologist appointment. claire was such a good girl the entire time (she saves the screaming fits for home!) the doctor said from glancing at the films that her kidney tissue looks like it is growing and the blockages do not look any worse. praise God for a little speck of positive news! so it’s wait and see with what they will do about the blockages as she gets older. we’re praying that she simply outgrows them. oh and she weighed about 10 and a half pounds! wow. she is a superchunk already. time to ask the pediatrician about taking her off the high calorie premie formula.
thanks for all your prayers and kind words from my last post. it means so much to me to have such encouragment from friends, family and even people i’ve never met. this process has been a rollercoaster of emotions but your comments, emails, phone calls and visits give me strength to keep going and fight through this. i can’t express how i feel except to say i love you all so much.
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Oct 20, 2008

claireokay i am going to be completely honest and let you all know how tough the last few days have been for me. i have been feeling really hopeless and helpless and starting to lose all faith that Claire will be okay. she is now 8 weeks adjusted in age and i still have not gotten that pretty smile i see when she’s sleeping, she also hasn’t cooed yet and doesn’t seem to want to make eye contact very often. to top it all off, we made a formula change per her GI specialist’s reccommendation which really jacked up her tummy. she has been a gassy, crampy, sptting up and crying mess since friday. then, the first time i tried to bottle feed her on my own on saturday was going so well until she stopped breathing and turned colors again. i truly trusted God that we were past that and had so much faith that she wouldn’t do that to me anymore. when it happened i was totally devastated and haven’t been able to regain confidence again. it just feels like that whenever there is improvement, there is then a step backward. i try to focus on the things she can do like lift her head, bring her hands together and kick her legs but it is so hard. i am in mourning that all the dreams i have for her will probably never be realized and she will have significant delays because of her brain abnormalities. i just don’t know for sure what they will be in the future. i wish i could just focus on one day at a time and rest in the truth that she will be loved no matter how she turns out but i honestly can’t. i am so sad and so angry at God still. i don’t know how to get beyond this point. claire needs your prayers to be healed and grow and develop but i need your prayers too. i am having an extremely difficult time with all of this.

The sky is grey and the light is far
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved
I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that’s louder than mine
I need hope, I need You
Cause I can’t do this alone
Grace, I call Your name
Oh won’t Your smile fall over me
I’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet grace rain down on me, I need You grace
I pray for dawn, a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
Though darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
Come down and save me

– grace by phil wickham

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ode to lily.

Oct 15, 2008

baby lilylily girl
today our furbaby, lily, turns four. she is one special, smart and super friendly doggie. lily loves tennis balls to a fault, swimming, the word “food”, giant stuffed animals, eating popcorn, burying her head in anyone’s lap, her uncle/boyfriend matt, playing with her best dogfriend gracie and attention of any kind. on top of all the normal dog tricks, she knows the names of all of her toys and can bring them to you on command. she also plays soccer better than me. lily hates any mention of the words “ears” and “stinky” due to her frequent ear infections (we can’t keep her out of the swimming pool) and visibly pouts when people leave our house. she also wins the award for world’s hairiest dog and no matter how often you brush her, she will quickly cover everything in sight with her fur. we still love her though. she is our silly lily and as human as a dog can get. don’t ever leave us lily, okay?
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my pretty girl.

Oct 14, 2008


seriously, how cute is she? i know moms are supposed to think their children are beautiful but she is just so pretty and girly already. i love how long her eyelashes are (thanks daddy!) and how her cheeks are so chubby they rest on her shoulders. adorable. now we just have to work on getting that feeding tube out of her nose. her first feeding therapy session went amazingly well. her therapist, jenn, thinks claire will get the hang of her bottle in no time and before we know it we’ll be on to mastering solid foods. i am so thankful we’ve found her. she’s so encouraging and helpful, just what i needed to take a little bit of the worry away! our next meeting with her is on friday. can’t wait!

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my mom.

Oct 9, 2008

nana and clairewhen claire was finally discharged from the hospital for good on september 14th, my mom came and stayed with us for a week. she cooked for us, held claire so i could sleep, cleaned our house, gave just the right amount of advice and provided the steadfast support i needed as a new mommy facing very difficult circumstances. as the end of that week approached, i asked her to live with me. she didn’t think adrian would go for that. but what i was trying to say in a humourous way was how amazed i am to have such a giving and loving mother. as the weeks have gone on, she has continued to be a source of comfort, companionship and strength. i’ve always known that i have an exceptional mother but since claire has arrived it’s like there is this new layer to our relationship. i couldn’t be more thankful.

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well i don’t have much to say today. miss claire has been quite cranky for the past few hours, courtesy of a gassy tummy.

we had some good news yesterday that claire will NOT need a hip brace for the time being. her pediatrician said the looseness is not too severe and she would just want to do a repeat hip ultrasound in a few months. we also cancelled all her neuro appointments today. we began to feel really uncomfortable with the idea of the CT scan and exposing her to radiation for a non-emergency situation. she’s already had quite a few x-rays which makes us want to limit any more of them. i’ve realized with all of the medical interventions she needs that you really have to research things and not take doctors at their word. with so many specialists involved, they really do not do a great job of communicating with each other and it forces parents to decipher what is best for their child. in my opinion, the more we are able to allow claire to be a normal baby and give her time to grow the better. so all that brain stuff is on hold for now.

instead we enjoyed a beautiful lunch date with daddy and even lily at joe’s farm grill. sitting in the shade under the huge trees, enjoying lemonade and sweet potato fries- it was a lovely day. that is until the gas monster arrived. 🙂i'm mad!

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tiny feet
1. a lunch with nostaglia. pb and j sandwich with a side of raw carrots and dip. all i needed was to add one of those little cartons of chocolate milk. hmm, where do you get those from besides lunch ladies?

2. baby dream smiles. claire has the most heart melting smiles in her sleep. gummy ones with dimples and the sound your mouth makes when it’s really big. i can’t wait until she smiles at me like that.

3. wreaths. i have one for every season and it makes me giddy to put up the fall one every october. i wish i had a reason to stare at my front door more!

4. a google chat with my sister in law alex. somehow she makes me feel so supported and cared for just by simple, everyday conversation. i love her.

5. adrian. he got up to feed claire @ 5:30am so i could sleep, got ready for work, and kissed me goodbye saying, “i’ll miss you today.” perfect.
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