honesty.

Jun 29, 2009

it’s been a tough week because it is becoming more evident that the newest seizure medicine from the UK is not taking away the spasms. claire has a neurologist appt at barrow tuesday afternoon, so i am sure we will be talking about the next step. i am dreading it. so much so that adrian may have to take claire without me. i literally go into a panic just thinking about this. i don’t know why but i avoid all conversations about claire’s brain as much as i can. i do not even want to think about it, see pictures of it, hear more explanations, bad news, etc. it makes me feel like i am having a mental breakdown. i am not exaggerating in the slightest. i am petrified. adrian says that if it is too much for me that he can take her and have all those brain talks and just tell me what i need to know. he is so much better at explaining all of this to me than the doctors. i hate doctors. i don’t care if they are nice, or caring, or smart. they SUCK. he says that i take claire to so many doctors appts alone and so many therapy appts alone, that if skipping the neuro doctor will help me then that is what he wants to do. i love him so much. but i also don’t want him to be there alone either. i know it is hard for him too. at church this weekend, we talked about that even though life is uncertain, God is not. that the bible is not full of happy-ever-after, hunky dorey life stories. remembering that the hebrew nation waited on God for 400 years to have their prayer answered. that even when it feels like God is absent, not showing up in my situation- He is still there. that He often uses the biggest messes to do the most amazing things. and we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him. that He has the whole world, my world, claire’s world in His hands.
but my heart still asks why, i am still scared, i am still hurt, i am still jealous of my friends’ babies, i am still angry. yet beneath all of that, i am still waiting and i still believe.IMG_0802

by | Categories: faith, family | 11 comments

michael jackson.

Jun 25, 2009

i am sitting with my laptop listening to my fave mj song on itunes, pyt (we can make it right, hit the city lights)…crying. call me silly but michael jackson meant so much to me as a kid. i thought he was the bee’s knees, the ultimate cool, the cutest guy and i wanted to marry him. seriously. i had this poster of him in a yellow vest hanging on my bedroom wall as a 2nd grader and i kissed his face everyday. i used to dance around in my basement to the thriller album and tragically smashed it while twirling with my fairy princess wand. the little girl in me will always remember him as the mesmerizing, unbelievable talent that he was. goodbye michael.

http://www.soulbounce.com/soul/assets_c/2008/01/mj_yellow_vest-thumb-473x240.jpg


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new single.

Jun 24, 2009

one of my absolute favorite bands, david crowder band, has a new single from their upcoming album available for download on itunes. this makes my heart so happy. i am double the happiness because it also happens to be “how he loves” one of my absolute favorite worship songs at church. a song my mom loves to sing to claire. and a song that we most definitely will be singing at claire’s birthday celebration.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us.

by | Categories: faith, music | 6 comments

party planning

Jun 23, 2009

if you know me, you know that i LOVE to plan a party. and the fact that this party is my little girl’s first birthday makes it ten times more exciting than any party before. my head is a tornado of ideas and soon my hands will be sore from the amount of crafty things i will be creating but to me- it is pure bliss. here’s a little peek into my delightful madness:

– the colors are hot pink, bright orange and lime green. very punchy, very summery, very girly.

– i am taking it upon myself to create these flower pinwheels to display in metal buckets filled with gerber daisies. cute!

– i am also planning on hanging these paper flowers from the rafters of the park ramada.

– the food will be an all american bbq. that means skin-on hot dogs and buns from von hanson’s. no crappy grocery store wieners here, but authentic minnesota meat! (how cool is it that they have one lonely store out here in chandler?!) bbq beans and sides from our own joe’s real bbq, yum. and a few other dishes that i will put together.

– did i mention mini cupcakes yet? i’ve discovered that mini cupcakes are the WAY to go for parties. less mess, easier to eat and the silly skinny-mini’s who say “i don’t want dessert” can’t even resist a tiny bite of cake perfection. come on!

– there will be singing. yep. our good friend and church worship pastor, stephen cole, is helping us make the evening extra special by leading us in song. they will be songs that celebrate the gift God has given us in claire, reflect on the journey this has been in our lives and ultimately tell Him how much we love Him. and if you are a guest and don’t sing? expect to be STRUCK DOWN by lightening. just kidding. but really i might give you the evil eye and you DO NOT want to chance that. 🙂

so there are some of my fantabulous plans. i cannot wait to have our close friends and family there to celebrate claire and what an amazing little miracle she is in this world.

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by | Categories: crafty, family, food, fun | 9 comments

tomayto, tomahto.

Jun 22, 2009

side note: i need to do more posts about random stuff in my life. i’ve realized that our family blog has become nothing but updates on outings/medical stuff and i have so much more to share than that! i miss using it as my creative outlet to share ideas and ponder new things. my goal is to change that and focus more on some of the little loves in my life. like cooking, baking, crafting, reading, music, shopping, the list goes on and on…

it’s lunchtime and i don’t feel like a sandwich. or a salad. or fast food. years ago my mom gave me this super easy, healthy and light lunch idea and i crave it. here’s the lowdown- arrange about 8 crackers on a plate (i use milton’s herb and garlic rounds.) then thinly slice up a roma tomato (or whatever kind you have around.) place the tomato slice on top of the crackers. sprinkle with shaved or shredded (NOT grated) parmesan cheese (i get the kind in the little plastic tub for quick use.) season the crackers with fresh cracked pepper and italian seasoning. drizzle a wee bit of balsamic over the crackers. microwave for about a minute and enjoy! they are fresh, zesty and filling. yummy!

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mle.

Jun 19, 2009

one of my very bestest friends since age 12 was here for the week. emily. sometimes if i think about how she moved back to texas 5 years ago, i still cry. (not trying to guilt trip you em!) but really, i miss her. she is quiet strength, comforting kindness and side splitting silly all rolled into one beautiful woman. my life would not be the same without her. since claire has arrived, i haven’t been able to have as many long phone chats with her and it makes me sad. i seriously need to schedule time for that because she is so important to me. anyway,  emily and claire got to meet and snuggle for the first time. hooray! emily is a natural with babies and will make an amazing mom one day. and we discovered they have the exact same hair color. so pretty!IMG_0915

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back home.

Jun 11, 2009

thanks to two very special people (you know who you are) the venders enjoyed a fabulous week in minnesota. we are so blessed to have generous loved ones in our lives that helped us make the trek to my home state. i love minnesota. and i miss it dearly. everytime i visit i dream of living there and raising my family in a land where kids run between each other’s lawns, neighbors know your name and there’s green. green everywhere. and words like supper, pop, uf-da and hot dish are not foreign 🙂 comfy, familiar minnesota, i miss you already.

claire was an angel on the plane rides. totally awake the whole time there and totally asleep the whole time back. but quiet and her sweet self both times. she hung out on her boppy pillow in my lap the entire flight.IMG_0799

one of of the highlights of the trip was introducing claire to all of her relatives that she had yet to meet. and one of those most important people was my uncle brad. he will now be known as the claire whisperer since he lulled our little girl into a sleepy peaceful rest everytime they cuddled.IMG_0817

claire also got to meet her great great aunt elaine (who her middle name is after.) i think they had an instant bond.IMG_0887

we also took a picture of four generation of stettler women. my grandma bonnie, my mom lisa, me and claire.IMG_0902

here’s claire with her great grandparents that she met for the first time.IMG_0906

and here’s all the evjen gang that ventured up from phoenix. (we missed you alex!!)IMG_0890

unfortunately, i forgot to take pictures many times so i missed a lot of things. silly mommy brain. but there was lots of visiting with my grandma nancy too, an evjen cousins reunion, an evening with our friends the luncefords and panera bread co visits. yum. oh and the last half of our trip was welcomed by rain, clouds and record low temps for june. brrr, it was sooo cold. like january in phoenix. i was not prepared.

claire was exceptionally great the first four days up in the twin cities. she was sleeping all night, awake all day and a happy girl. rochester must not have agreed with her because she returned to her bad habits of sleeping all day and awake all night being fussy. mommy and daddy did not sleep much then. i think she has these times when her teething is really bugging her. i can’t figure out what else it would be.

and i am starting to accept that with claire there are good days and not so good days but they are still DAYS that i get to spend with my beautiful daughter. and there is such joy in that.IMG_0809

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