Oct 20, 2008

claireokay i am going to be completely honest and let you all know how tough the last few days have been for me. i have been feeling really hopeless and helpless and starting to lose all faith that Claire will be okay. she is now 8 weeks adjusted in age and i still have not gotten that pretty smile i see when she’s sleeping, she also hasn’t cooed yet and doesn’t seem to want to make eye contact very often. to top it all off, we made a formula change per her GI specialist’s reccommendation which really jacked up her tummy. she has been a gassy, crampy, sptting up and crying mess since friday. then, the first time i tried to bottle feed her on my own on saturday was going so well until she stopped breathing and turned colors again. i truly trusted God that we were past that and had so much faith that she wouldn’t do that to me anymore. when it happened i was totally devastated and haven’t been able to regain confidence again. it just feels like that whenever there is improvement, there is then a step backward. i try to focus on the things she can do like lift her head, bring her hands together and kick her legs but it is so hard. i am in mourning that all the dreams i have for her will probably never be realized and she will have significant delays because of her brain abnormalities. i just don’t know for sure what they will be in the future. i wish i could just focus on one day at a time and rest in the truth that she will be loved no matter how she turns out but i honestly can’t. i am so sad and so angry at God still. i don’t know how to get beyond this point. claire needs your prayers to be healed and grow and develop but i need your prayers too. i am having an extremely difficult time with all of this.

The sky is grey and the light is far
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved
I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that’s louder than mine
I need hope, I need You
Cause I can’t do this alone
Grace, I call Your name
Oh won’t Your smile fall over me
I’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet grace rain down on me, I need You grace
I pray for dawn, a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
Though darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
Come down and save me

– grace by phil wickham

by | Categories: faith, family |

9 comments | leave a comment

  1. Alex
    October 20th, 2008 at 1:52 pm #

    i wish i had the power to make this all go away and to make your dreams for claire reality. just know that i weep in frustration along side you, i plead to God for things to be ‘okay’ and for my niece to have a wonderful life full of amazing experiences. i love you guys so much! i’ll never fully understand your emotions or the amount of wrestling you and God have been doing.

    for what it’s worth, i’m just glad that you are being open and honest about your experiences! you’re a wonderful mom, wife and sister! i’m glad to walk beside you through this dry season of life.

  2. Kavita
    October 20th, 2008 at 9:40 pm #

    Hi sweet Nicole,
    I read your post feeling my heart pang for Adrian, little Claire and yourself. I thought about what I wanted to say to you but I’m a little lost for words, especially since I am not a Mom. But I do know that that little girl loves you dearly and although she might not be able to show it to you in her smiles or her eye gaze, she is ever so attached to both Adrian and yourself. It sounds like your journey has been long so far and it’s only just getting started but don’t ever feel that God has deserted you. He hand picked Adrian and yourself especially for little Claire because He knew that only you two could give her exactly what she needs. Because He knows that you will lean on Him for support and nurturing during tough weeks such as this. Just continue to lean on Him and keep believing that His hands are holding Claire’s and yours too.
    Love Kavita

  3. amber
    October 21st, 2008 at 7:33 am #

    I love you Nicky. I’ll be there in a month to give you a big hug.

  4. Scotty Dub
    October 21st, 2008 at 9:01 am #

    At times like these prayer doesn’t seem like enough, but it’s all we have. My heart breaks for what you are going through and I wish there was something more that I could say or do, but words seem pointless.

    Watching you and Claire I am amazed at your strength Nicky. You are an incredible woman and mother and Claire is so fortunate to have you. I pray that you’ll get your smile soon.

  5. jina
    October 21st, 2008 at 9:50 am #

    I love your little girl, and I love you. The only comforting thing to me in all of this is the knowledge that God loves you all more than any of us can, and that He is fully in control, even when things seem out of control. We are here for you and praying like crazy for all three of you each and every day.

  6. yasmine
    October 21st, 2008 at 1:49 pm #

    Praying for you, Adrian and Claire. She is so precious! If there is anything to say about the Evjen/Vender family is that it is filled with love and joy. Claire is growing up with a wonderful community that surrounds her. She is completely blessed!

    Maybe she should watch Lost…heard it stimulates the brain 😉

  7. kazzles
    October 22nd, 2008 at 2:17 pm #

    I just saw your post on Anne’s site and wanted to drop by. I am praying for you and I pray that God gives you that extra bit of strength to get through this difficult patch. I can’t imagine what you are going through.

  8. Heather Anderson
    October 23rd, 2008 at 10:01 am #

    I have only seen pics of Claire I have not got to meet her, but I see she is a beautiful gift from God.

    I trust in, rely on, and am confident in you, O Lord; I say, you are my God. My times are in your hands. Psalm 31:14,15

    I trust God at all times. I pour out my heart before him; God is a refuge for me. Psalm 62:8

    Praying for you and your family. Love, Heather

  9. Leilani
    October 29th, 2008 at 5:40 pm #

    You are always in my thought Nicky and I will always keep you in my prayers. You are a a strong woman and a wonderful mother. There will be a light at the end and it will be amazing. Love, Leilani

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